The Four Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse
Source: John Gottman
In his research Dr. John Gottman identified the following relationship-destroying communication patterns.
To reverse or correct these patterns, he also developed Antidotes to The Four Relationship Horsemen.
| The Horsemen | The Antidotes |
|---|---|
| Criticism: Attacking another’s personality or character | Soft Start-Up: Start with “I” statements about your own feelings and express a positive need you would like the other person to fulfill. |
| Contempt: An attitude of overall superiority to another; a lack or regard or respect for another. | Appreciation: Remind yourself of the other’s positive qualities and cultivate gratitude for their positive actions. |
| Defensiveness: Making yourself into a victim in order to prevent an anticipated attack, and to reverse the blame. | Responsibility: Accept your partner’s perspective and offer an apology for any wrongdoing. |
| Stonewalling: A refusal to engage with another, implying disapproval, and creating distance and separation from another. | Self-Soothing: Take a break from interaction with the other person and spend that time doing something you find soothing and calming. |